Monday, December 11, 2006

Feeling a little...OMG!

Feeling a little...OMG!
I'm feeling a little...OMG! at the moment. For those of you who aren't computer lingo literate, that means I'm freakin' the F**K out!

Okay, so not quite that bad, but yes, I'm a little panicky deep down inside. Last night on the way to work I started feeling quite short of breath. I chalked it up to the mocha drink I was consuming as it also felt like my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I drank a few sips and ended up giving the rest to a coworker. I figured a coronary on the 2nd week of work might not go over well. After about an hour and a half of what I would call "prenatal" breathing, I finally went home to grab my inhaler. When I couldn't find it, I decided I better stop at the ER on my way back to work and make sure everything was okay and to get a breathing treatment. I had 10 more hours on my shift and didn't want to be this out of breath the whole time. After being given the once over, the nurse on duty told me he thought I was having a subconscious anxiety attack. (Actually, he said a subconscious psychological manifestation of anxiety to be exact. haha!) I was 100% fit as a fiddle and was showing not a single symptom. They couldn't even venture to guess what tests to run since I appeared fine. They sent me on my way with instructions to "chill". I got to work and, of course, had nothing but that on my mind. Things went well for most of my shift until I had about two hours left. A small mistake and oversight on my part snowballed with more mistakes and my freaking out. I completely panicked and blanked on what I was to do next. It wasn't a huge deal as it was just running information for an officer, but the point is, it could have been huge. I felt like I had totally screwed up. I want nothing more than to do well at this job. I beat myself up over it for about 30 minutes and then attempted to take the advice of my trainer, "Shake it off and stomp on it." I'll share that story with you later; it's a goodin'. I still felt rather down as I left work this morning. I love everything about the job so far, it's just that I'm beginning to second guess myself a lot. I'm starting to wonder if I'm really doing well or if I have made a huge and terrible mistake. I know this is probably me just being emotional and menstral. (Hi, to all those who didn't want to know about my menstral cycle! haha!) I have only been in phase training for two weeks and still have two weeks to go in first phase. I have received two compliments from one of the Lieutenants which absolutely made my week. It's the little gestures of, "Good Job" that make you keep going. I completely anticipate an extension on training and that is just fine. I am told that if I take it as a compliment that they want me to succeed, which it is, as opposed to an insult like some in the past have, then I'll go much further. I'm also told that very few people every go all the way through phase without an extension. I know that things will be great and I am gathering more confidence as time rolls on. They're never going to throw me to the wolves if they don't think I'm ready, because those officers are their responsibility too. This weekend is all about studying!! And praying. :) Everyone send up your prayers for me...ask Him for guidance, strength and a raging sense of humor...please.

Love to all...Liz

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