Wednesday, January 31, 2007

My heart is lighter...

After seeing this image, I have a new found faith in humanity. People are generally good and our hearts are usually in the right place, but this man has exceeded all my wildest expectations. I truly wish I could meet this man and let him know he has reinstated my faith in the human spirit. No matter what you think of this war, there is no way you can look at this picture and not think of him as a hero. If for nothing else, he scared off that little girls boogey man...if only for one night. That, is the mark of a true man in my book."Air Force Chief Master Sgt. John Gebhardt, of the 332nd Expeditionary Medical Group at Balad, Iraq, cradles a young girl as they both sleep in the hospital. The girl’s entire family was executed by insurgents; the killers shot her in the head as well. The girl received treatment at the US military hospital in Balad, but cries and moans often. According to nurses at the facility, Gebhardt is the only one who can calm down the girl, so he has spent the last several nights holding her while they both sleep in a chair. "

Friday, January 26, 2007

Great Expectations

I reread this after writing it and think it sounds totally retarded. But I sat here and wrote it and don't feel like rewriting it. So there! haha! Eh, maybe I'll redo it later when the cough medicine wears off.

Since October 16 I have been training at this new job and for the first month or so there wasn't anything I thought I couldn't learn. I was even told during my interview by one individual that I was intelligent, poised, and the most confident 24 year old they had ever met. So why is it that now, three months down the road, I can't seem to get it through my thick skull that I am intelligent? I am poised? I am confident? Why do I second guess every single solitary decision I make or task I take on? Then, this morning whilst watching last nights taped episode of Grey's Anatomy, (which was GREAT by the way) it hit me. I have Great Expectations. I have always been a perfectionist to some degree. I can't stand it when I don't do something right or I don't understand something 100% and it drives me to utter insanity when I think something I have done has upset someone or caused them to think less of me. Add to that the fact that there was never really anything I ever wanted to be in life aside from a wife and mother. Since those are two things that are virtually impossible to achieve on my own, I had to set my goals elsewhere. Now, I have this new goal of a job that I love and that I have a deep desire to do. A goal that I am not perfect at achieving. The first thing I have ever wanted this badly and I can't stop beating myself up over not doing it perfectly.

I am going to do this job. And damnit I am going to do it well if it kills me. I AM NOT PERFECT! And perfection is boring anyway. So here I ask you, my friends, if you find an extra minute in your day, could you send up an extra prayer or two. Pray that I find comfort in my imperfections as they show me I'm human and that I find peace with myself. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay if every person I meet doesn't think I'm fantastic! I am the only one who has to believe that I am...and that's the only thing I truly have control over. Here's to letting go of the reins...who's with me??

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Yada, yada, yada...

Can you believe I used to be a blogging fool?! Now it seems that they are few and far between. I haven't felt that I have had much worth writing about these last few months, or at least nothing that would particularly interest the few that read this. I think most of it had to do with the fact that I was terribly unhappy at my previous job. I began to feel claustrophobic and stationary. I felt like my life had come to a screeching hault and I had no control over anything. I had moved into my own apartment and suddenly felt free...but alone at the exact same time. I missed the daily, sometimes hourly, interaction with people and had to find ways to entertain myself. I took another photography class which definately did the trick for awhile, but you can only heal a wound with a bandaid for so long. I took a step back and forced myself to look at the big picture. Why was it that I was so unhappy? I decided to make a change with the new career path. Yes, it has been stressful, but it has been an unbelievable shove into a direction I had no idea I was looking for. This life change also forced me to reexamine some relationships and friendships. I viewed them under a microscope and realized I was fooling myself into thinking other people were the answer to making me happy. It's not their fault. Yes, we grew apart, but it was simply because I was doing just that...growing. I value each person who had a hand in my life at that point, but the saying really is true, some people are only in our lives for a reason or a season. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I used to be friends with..." when you accept that things really do change. What seems like a bad thing, sometimes turns out to be an incredible, shadowed blessing.

I was asked at the beginning of this month if I had made any resolutions and I defiantly said no. I think they are a waste of time because people always set their expectations so high. Why do we do that to ourselves? Then, I got an email from my mom that I though deserved repeating. It said, "I think in terms of the days resolutions, not the years." I guess it really is a better idea to focus on 365 little hurdles than one, insurmountable one. Each day, I try to see myself as a valuable person. I find it so easy to see all the things about me that I don't like or all the things I think someone else won't like, but I can never seem to muster the confidence to say, "I'm worthy." Yes, I have unbelievable standards when it comes to guys and I value myself enough to know I deserve someone great, but I tend to always think that people are too good for me. Or with my job, I have had to have TWO pep-talks from different trainers where they have pleaded with me to have confidence in myself and know that I really am doing a good job. So, this year, my daily resolution is going to be convincing myself that I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

I know this post was completely random and most of you quit after the first sentence, but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. I always found blogging to be cathartic and I think it's an outlet I should take advantage of. So brace yourself! More randomness to come...I promise.

Have a good day all!