Sunday, December 07, 2008

My Type

The analysis indicates that the author of is of the type:

ISFP - The Artists

The gentle and compassionate type. They are especially attuned their inner values and what other people need. They are not friends of many words and tend to take the worries of the world on their shoulders. They tend to follow the path of least resistance and have to look out not to be taken advantage of. They often prefer working quietly, behind the scene as a part of a team. They tend to value their friends and family above what they do for a living.

Friday, December 05, 2008

My Secret

I have a secret. My secret is I’m whole and in two different places. My secret is I feel alone but am surrounded by people. My secret is I feel like I am being forced to responsible for things I shouldn’t have to be, and the realization of that, makes me feel guilty.

I just returned home from a three week vacation…home. I love where I live now, I have been happy here and for seven years now I have called this place home. But I have to be honest when I say that Quincy will always be home. I think my heart belongs there. I cannot lie and say that I have not been toying with the idea of going back…for good. I feel loved there, appreciated there, whole there. I feel like I am loved for simply being me and not for what I can do for someone. I feel valued…and missed. I had such a hard time leaving there this time. Maybe because I spent so much more time there than I normally have been able too. Perhaps it was the added time that caused me to get reattached to the history, the grace, the comfort and normalcy of its limits. The familiarity of it brought such a sense of peace that I was almost shocked. I drove the streets, sat in the parks, watched the sun set over the water of the Mississippi. I smelled the sweet smell of soy beans in the air and felt the crisp fall breezes that tossed the leaves haphazardly. I sat and actually got to enjoy the company of my grandparents. I was hugged by people with such vigor, that I felt they didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to let go.

Some may read this and think, wow, her decision should be easy. It seems it should be, but it’s not. I know the saying goes, “you can never go home”. I know that if I moved back there, it wouldn’t be the same. Sure, people were excited to see me; they haven’t seen me in a year or better. But if I move there, I know life will go on. Will I be disappointed when it dawns on me that life goes on whether I am there or not? And will I be happy? Do I even know what would make me happy? I thought changing jobs would make me happy. It did, for awhile. I thought moving into my own apartment would. It did, for awhile. Going to school, getting a boyfriend. Again, only for awhile. Would a change of address really make any difference at all? Or…would it mean everything? It seems such a drastic and risky change to ultimately find out I wouldn’t be happy there either. I have to take into consideration that things will not be the same there. They just can’t be. That’s a part of life. And also that I will deeply miss a group of people here I have come to love as family. They have just as much value as the ones in Illinois. Eventually, I would long for them too. Perhaps moving would only postpone my feelings of loneliness, and redirect my sense of loss.

I think this is all just another example of why I need to learn to be happy where I am; to appreciate the blessings that are in my life and stop worrying so much. But how do I do that??? It’s easier said than done, but here goes nothing. I just want to be happy, for once.

To those of you had the supreme pleasure of seeing while I was home, thank you for being an irreplaceable part of my life. To those of you I got to come back to, thank you for being so, so worth it. I love you all.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

The Things We Learn

Per my usual I have waited an unbelievable amount of time between blogs. I would love to say this is my way of keeping you on your toes, but it's really just because a) I have been lazy, or b) I have had nothing worthwhile to say.

I had a really weird dream last night that caused me to think about some things. In this dream, I was on a roller coaster. As it started out on the track, I felt terrified. I remember feeling this overwhelming anxiety and panic. Every time it dipped, turned, flipped or jolted, I would feel my stomach rise into my throat. Then suddenly, out of no where, there was a man sitting next to me in the car. He was handsome, strong and a wonderfully comforting presence. Amazing enough, I did not have the same fear as before. The anxiety was gone, but I was still holding onto to the safety bar with bright, white knuckles. I looked at the man who had brought me such comfort, and suddenly realized he was covered in obscure tattoos. They were on his face, his arms, his chest... I asked him what they meant and as he began to describe them in vivid detail, I was shocked. Each one had a meaning of anger, sadness, hatred...he was judgemental, unable to trust others, and had deep seeded feelings of resentment. Suddenly, this person I felt so warmed by, so protected by, was nothing more than a shell of man. Next thing I knew, I was in the car alone. But this time, there was no anxiety. I felt myself letting go of the safety bar and raising slightly out of the seat during each dramatic drop. Instead of fearing the next curve, I knew exactly where they were and when they would occur. I felt confident that I could handle them on my own and anticipated them with excitement, rather than worry. I woke up...saying, "WTF?"

A feeling of loss followed me around all day. Like I missed this guy in my dream. But I was also haunted and enlightened with the feeling that I didn't need him. I may miss him, but I didn't need him. I was okay. I guess this dream must have stemmed from something in my life, as most of mine tend to. I have the WEIRDEST dreams. Those of you that know me well, know this about me.

Lately, I have had some encounters with people that have left me unsettled. I am a very trusting person and find myself often being disappointed by the character of people. This is my own problem, as I shouldn't come to expect people to behave in a certain manner, but it just seems that I am surrounded by people that I truly question whether I should even be around. I don't want to turn my back on people, because I care about them, but I feel lately that I'm hurting myself by continuing to expose myself to them. I won't go into any specific details here, but I have some very strong feelings against people who say things about the choices my friends make that have absolutely nothing to do with them. Their hypocritical, holier than thou attitude disgusts me. They truly do not understand the statement, "those who live in glass houses, should not throw stones." Seriously, what in the world gives you the right to judge them? Look at yourself, at your lifestyle, and then tell me honestly who the better person is. I dare you. My friends will win hands down. A good heart beats a great ability to quote scripture any day. God loves us all. As long as you welcome Him into your heart and ask for forgiveness, you are welcomed Home. So where do you get off assuming that MY friend, my wonderful, big hearted, would give you the shirt of his back friend, is a bad person and automatically going to Hell? On top of that, why are denominations so prevalent? Does it really matter if we're Methodist, Pentecostal, Episcopalian, Lutheran, Baptist...whatever? God is God. If you believe that the Pentecostal version of God doesn't love people who worship the Lutheran version of God, shouldn't you perhaps re-examine your definition of God? I believe in One God, One Prayer, One Church. (Oh lala, la la la...right Caitlin?! haha!) I am also extremely tired of being around people who openly cheat on their spouses by requesting things of me that they KNOW they won't get or the ones that believe having dirty, inappropriate conversations with other people isn't cheating because you have not had sex with them. Emotional cheating, is cheating. Why can't you take that energy home to your spouse? I bet your marriage would be a happier one. This coming from a single person, but it's just an observation.

Now that I am sure I have sufficiently pissed off a good chunk of people or at least given a topic they feel we should debate, I am going to sign off. G'nite all.

Monday, May 12, 2008

My Bucket List


I read on a friends blog that she has created a list of things she wants to do before she dies. So here is my list of things I'd like to do before I kick the is, like me, a work in progress. (Yes, I stole the name from the movie.)

*Visit Italy
*Visit Ireland
*Make a difference in/save a life.
*Get one last tattoo
*Fall in love
*Become a mom (whether natural or adoption)
*Own my own home
*Be debt free
*See the Northern Lights
*Be an aunt (Come ON, Mike! Call her!!!) better name your first born after me.
*Get a college degree (I just want that stupid piece of paper.)
*Learn to shoot a gun
*Have a star named for me
*Get LOTS of testimonials for my website. haha! (That means lots of photography jobs.) :)

More to come...

Cancelled Due to Sunshine

Here it is, 10:30 on a Monday night and I'm working. Blah! Tis my usual, but I still reserve the right to complain about it. I am woman, hear me roar. (Right, KC?)

Isn't life funny? Things are constantly changing around me, some things even in my own life, and for some reason I still feel stagnant. I fight so hard to move forward that I end up sinking back to my original location. This quick sand effect seems to be really taking a toll on me. Not only am I frustrated about my own life more than my usual, but I tend to find myself being jealous of things that wouldn't normally have affected me. People, I irritate myself! I hate feeling this way. I hate, more than anything, feeling like I'm not good enough. Take my job for example. I LOVE MY JOB. I love what I do and am blessed to do it. You have no idea what pride can come from doing what I do for a living. Don't get me wrong, there is a plethora of stupid people out there and all of them like to call me, but those stupid people are my job security. And somewhere, between all those ridiculous calls are the ones where you genuinely get to make a difference in a persons life. You get to bring comfort to a frightened child or reassurance to a person that feels nothing if not helpless. I love what I do. But sometimes I worry so much about doing every thing perfectly, that I end up making myself crazy. I work with 40 some odd officers and I assure you, there is no way in hell to make them all happy. One might like their information given back one way, but you have 15 others griping behind your back to their supervisor wondering "why in the world that girl does that". I know it's part of any job, there are just some people you can't make happy, but it's absolutely assenine that I feel this bad about people not liking something about me. Why can't I just accept that not everyone is going to like me all of the time? I already do that to myself enough, I don't need a second helping. I care so much about doing this job and doing it well. I want every man or woman on my shift to go home at the end of the night and I want them to go home with all of their limbs. I truly care for each one of them, some I even go so far as to call friends. Why is it then, that I am so unhappy? Now don't take this wrong. I work with some AMAZING people. There are some who would do anything for me if I asked; they're really great guys. It's just hard to please everyone. I blame this on my parents. haha! *here is where I lay on the couch, you listen, and I get an hourly rated bill... I had great parents; the best a kid could ask for. They never did anything to warrant me worrying so much. In fact, I think I got spanked once in my lifetime. But, I spent my childhood worrying ALL them time. I worried about getting hurt, getting sick, losing someone I love, getting in trouble, disappointing my name it, I worried. I remember having times when I literally felt physically ill and now, looking back, I think I may have been having panic attacks. I thought I was growing out of that, but at the ripe age of 26, NOPE! I still worry. I want desperately to be liked, loved and respected and am so hard on myself when I don't feel I'm being treated fairly. I'm not sure why I let it be my fault when someone else treats me unfairly, I'm just a mess! And a work in progress. :)

On top of the work frustrations, there is the housing situation. I have made the decision to move out of my apartment and rent the back of my mothers house. It is secluded, I have my own entrance, bathroom, etc...but it still feels like my mom's house. HUGE STEP BACKWARDS, in my most expert opinion. All of my friends tell me it's not a big deal, seeing as I am doing this to save money and not as a last resort. I had the option of whether or not to move, and I made my choice, but that still doesn't make me feel any better. I KNOW! I'm being ridiculous, but hey, this is my blog, and I wanted a whiney moment. :) However, on the bright side of things, this is going to save me a pretty substantial amount of moola and that, with the photography earnings, are going to help me get well on the way to financial security and home ownership! One can hope...

Well, I have decided that I am done venting for the moment. Pity party has been cancelled due to sunshine. :)

Have a great day everyone!
Love, Liz

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Hello, strangers.

Well hello there blogobuddies. I haven't written in SEVEN MONTHS! Can you believe it?! Well, I can. Life has been crazy these past few months and blogging hasn't been at the forefront of my to-do list. However, two friends of mine have just started their own blogs and I thought it would be a good reason to grab the reins again. Whether or not this sticks, is a completely different story.

Since last writing, I have decided to move, launched my photography website and made it off the probationary period at the police department.

The move decision was a long and hard one to come to. I HATE the idea of moving after I swore to myself I wouldn't do it again until I purchased a house. HOWEVER, as most of you know, especially the home owners, it's utterly ridiculous to pay as much as I do in rent if you're seriously trying to save for a house. I was paying more in rent, utilities and gas money to and from work, than I wanted to. Therefore, I have decided to give up my apartment and move. UGH! The money I will save is going to pay off student loans and other miscellaneous nonsense and to save money for a HOUSE! I refuse to wait to make my dreams and wants come true until I'm married. My future husband doesn't hold the keys to my house, he'll hold the keys to my heart. "I" will hold the keys to my house, Baby!! :) haha!

The photography website is up and running and I couldn't be happier!!! is the site and I invite you all to stop by and take a peek. Don't forget to send me a msg through the contact page and let me know what you think! I love feedback. It has been up for less than a month and I've already scheduled a wedding, two family sessions and a set of senior portraits. I am absolutely thrilled!

Probation at work is OVER! I am officially a full time employee. I have been working INSANE hours (way more than full time on some occasions!) but the probation period for new hires is a standard 18 months. We are currently hiring if anyone in the area is looking for a new career or is looking to transfer from a different department. We have our issues like an job and/or dysfunctional family, but the job itself is amazingly rewarding and I am blessed to have found a profession I am honored and proud to be in. Not many people get to say that in their lifetime. I look forward to everything else that life will have to offer, but for now, I am happy with where I am and where I'm going. Some don't see that, but to them I say, "I bite my thumb at thee!"

On the downer side of things, I had a friend pass away in December, a friend possibly (test results are pending) get diagnosed with cancer, a friend lose a baby and a personal heartbreak or two. But death and relationships, they are part of life. I miss Virgie dearly, but know she is sitting at a big desk in Heaven making greeting cards and sharing her cookies with whoever will lend an ear and Linda is in good hands with great doctors and lots of family near by. As for the heartbreaks, they are mild in comparison to the previous mentioned items. I should have seen them coming, but do we ever? One turned out to be the worst form of slime you could possibly imagine and the second is a liar and doesn't even seem to know it. Apparently, it's second nature. There have been other things here and there that have led me to wonder, "What in the world am I doing here...and why do I put up with these people?" but I know that things will smooth over. I hate to question the ones I love, but it's been so easy as of late.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE!! Two of my best friends are having a baby!!! Edwin and Caitlin who got married almost exactly 1 year ago are expecting their first baby! I have already been told I am officially "Aunt Liz" and I couldn't be happier for them. They are two incredibly deserving people and I know that baby "G" or baby "E" will have the best parents a baby could ask for.

I think that is all I will write for now, and well, I'll see ya in 7 months. :) Have a great day!