Friday, January 26, 2007

Great Expectations

I reread this after writing it and think it sounds totally retarded. But I sat here and wrote it and don't feel like rewriting it. So there! haha! Eh, maybe I'll redo it later when the cough medicine wears off.

Since October 16 I have been training at this new job and for the first month or so there wasn't anything I thought I couldn't learn. I was even told during my interview by one individual that I was intelligent, poised, and the most confident 24 year old they had ever met. So why is it that now, three months down the road, I can't seem to get it through my thick skull that I am intelligent? I am poised? I am confident? Why do I second guess every single solitary decision I make or task I take on? Then, this morning whilst watching last nights taped episode of Grey's Anatomy, (which was GREAT by the way) it hit me. I have Great Expectations. I have always been a perfectionist to some degree. I can't stand it when I don't do something right or I don't understand something 100% and it drives me to utter insanity when I think something I have done has upset someone or caused them to think less of me. Add to that the fact that there was never really anything I ever wanted to be in life aside from a wife and mother. Since those are two things that are virtually impossible to achieve on my own, I had to set my goals elsewhere. Now, I have this new goal of a job that I love and that I have a deep desire to do. A goal that I am not perfect at achieving. The first thing I have ever wanted this badly and I can't stop beating myself up over not doing it perfectly.

I am going to do this job. And damnit I am going to do it well if it kills me. I AM NOT PERFECT! And perfection is boring anyway. So here I ask you, my friends, if you find an extra minute in your day, could you send up an extra prayer or two. Pray that I find comfort in my imperfections as they show me I'm human and that I find peace with myself. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay if every person I meet doesn't think I'm fantastic! I am the only one who has to believe that I am...and that's the only thing I truly have control over. Here's to letting go of the reins...who's with me??

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