Monday, May 12, 2008

Cancelled Due to Sunshine

Here it is, 10:30 on a Monday night and I'm working. Blah! Tis my usual, but I still reserve the right to complain about it. I am woman, hear me roar. (Right, KC?)

Isn't life funny? Things are constantly changing around me, some things even in my own life, and for some reason I still feel stagnant. I fight so hard to move forward that I end up sinking back to my original location. This quick sand effect seems to be really taking a toll on me. Not only am I frustrated about my own life more than my usual, but I tend to find myself being jealous of things that wouldn't normally have affected me. People, I irritate myself! I hate feeling this way. I hate, more than anything, feeling like I'm not good enough. Take my job for example. I LOVE MY JOB. I love what I do and am blessed to do it. You have no idea what pride can come from doing what I do for a living. Don't get me wrong, there is a plethora of stupid people out there and all of them like to call me, but those stupid people are my job security. And somewhere, between all those ridiculous calls are the ones where you genuinely get to make a difference in a persons life. You get to bring comfort to a frightened child or reassurance to a person that feels nothing if not helpless. I love what I do. But sometimes I worry so much about doing every thing perfectly, that I end up making myself crazy. I work with 40 some odd officers and I assure you, there is no way in hell to make them all happy. One might like their information given back one way, but you have 15 others griping behind your back to their supervisor wondering "why in the world that girl does that". I know it's part of any job, there are just some people you can't make happy, but it's absolutely assenine that I feel this bad about people not liking something about me. Why can't I just accept that not everyone is going to like me all of the time? I already do that to myself enough, I don't need a second helping. I care so much about doing this job and doing it well. I want every man or woman on my shift to go home at the end of the night and I want them to go home with all of their limbs. I truly care for each one of them, some I even go so far as to call friends. Why is it then, that I am so unhappy? Now don't take this wrong. I work with some AMAZING people. There are some who would do anything for me if I asked; they're really great guys. It's just hard to please everyone. I blame this on my parents. haha! *here is where I lay on the couch, you listen, and I get an hourly rated bill... I had great parents; the best a kid could ask for. They never did anything to warrant me worrying so much. In fact, I think I got spanked once in my lifetime. But, I spent my childhood worrying ALL them time. I worried about getting hurt, getting sick, losing someone I love, getting in trouble, disappointing my name it, I worried. I remember having times when I literally felt physically ill and now, looking back, I think I may have been having panic attacks. I thought I was growing out of that, but at the ripe age of 26, NOPE! I still worry. I want desperately to be liked, loved and respected and am so hard on myself when I don't feel I'm being treated fairly. I'm not sure why I let it be my fault when someone else treats me unfairly, I'm just a mess! And a work in progress. :)

On top of the work frustrations, there is the housing situation. I have made the decision to move out of my apartment and rent the back of my mothers house. It is secluded, I have my own entrance, bathroom, etc...but it still feels like my mom's house. HUGE STEP BACKWARDS, in my most expert opinion. All of my friends tell me it's not a big deal, seeing as I am doing this to save money and not as a last resort. I had the option of whether or not to move, and I made my choice, but that still doesn't make me feel any better. I KNOW! I'm being ridiculous, but hey, this is my blog, and I wanted a whiney moment. :) However, on the bright side of things, this is going to save me a pretty substantial amount of moola and that, with the photography earnings, are going to help me get well on the way to financial security and home ownership! One can hope...

Well, I have decided that I am done venting for the moment. Pity party has been cancelled due to sunshine. :)

Have a great day everyone!
Love, Liz

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