Tonight I sat in my dark room, next to the open window and listened to the rain. Ping, ping, ping. Each drop hit the air conditioner unit with a resounding noise and as each one struck its mark, I found myself wishing I were as sure of my destination as the raindrops. I have been holding on to the same thoughts for five days now and haven't been able to let them go. As I sat by that window, I knew I had to set them free. How do I do that, you ask? The same way I express all my emotions, through words.
Each one of us holds a wealth of flaws. Most of them are fairly miniscule and we can hide them pretty well. Last Thursday, I had a magnifying glass thrust into my hands. The worst things I think of myself were shown to me and it was made very clear I wasn't doing a good job of hiding them. I am a good person who makes mistakes. I was made to feel small because of these mistakes. I was made to feel like I was less of a person or like I didn't deserve a second chance. As angered as I was at the person for saying such hateful things, I am also strangely grateful to them. They have brought it to my attention that I focus on the negative more often then not. However, all they truly succeeded in accomplishing was the exact thing they accused me of…making someone feel small. I guess I should explain myself a little better. I was told that I say things about people that would be taken as hurtful. I am ashamed of that, because I know it's true. Sometimes I think things are funny that maybe aren't. For instance, I love stories and tall tales and the more colorful the character, the better the story. Perhaps I am guilty of trying to make people laugh at the expense of their feelings. Perhaps I am what she said, a horrible person and friend. HOWEVER, I choose to believe that there were other things, aside from me, that were fueling her anger. Life creates in us a bottle of refuge. That bottle sometimes gets too full and we just…explode. The nearest target is usually the one to take the brunt of the damage. I know I'm not perfect, but I refuse to believe I am horrible. My flaws do not make me a monster. I forgive this person for the things she said, because I know in my heart she sees the same flaws in herself. The only thing that brings solace to the deep sorrow I feel over losing this friend, is that those who know me…really know me. The friends I have made over the years vary from the ones who merely bless us in their passing to those who are a constant in my life. I am blessed with a group of people who accept the fact that I am human and embrace me for me, flaws and all. I am told daily that I am loved and each day, without fail, I know that I have a true friend to turn to. Despite the errors I make in life, I also know that I am forgiven and that He too, knows I am merely human. To those I have wronged, I offer my deep regrets and apologies. To those who are simply spreading the lies, I pray that you have friends like I do that forgive you for imperfections.