Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Where do I begin? I have no idea how to even start this post, but its definately stuff I feel driven to unload.

I was lying in bed the other night, thinking of my place in this world. Pondering why I am where I am and if occurances could have or should have been changed. Am I here because I have been brave or is it because I haven't been brave enough? Do I hold within me the courage to seek the things I want? Do I even know what those things are? I layed there, praying quietly, and crying due to utter frustration. I know things will work themselves out and turn out better than I could possibly imagine, if I just continue to hold on to faith. I awoke the next morning with a renewed sense of comfort and told myself that everything was going to be okay. I need to stop, take a deep breath, and hand my worries over to Him. So, I did. THEN, I received an email last night that brought me to tears (again). It brought back so many memories, both good and bad. I was reminded of my first love and all the situations that led us to our final locations...apart. I thought he loved me. As far as first loves go, I thought ours was something pretty special. When we were good, we were really good. We were happy and always had a great time. But when we were bad, we were terrible. He would lie, lose focus, drink, do drugs...cheat. I can still remember vividly the last time we dated. I had moved back to Oklahoma and he went to the Navy. His mom called to tell me he was marrying someone else. We were still together, so I thought. I was crushed. I am not placing sole blame on him, I know I'm not perfect, but I learned that I deserved better and moved on. I convinced myself it was nothing more than puppy love and that real love would find me in the future. Now I worry that I may have discounted our feelings. I know he loved me the best way he knew how. His best, honestly, just wasn't good enough. Now these memories have come flooding back and I start to second guess decisions I've made, things I've said. I worry that I may have made a mistake. (This is when lightening strikes me and God says, "STUPID GIRL! I made you see he was an idiot for a reason!!") I'm dealing and things will be fine.

My second area of concern is motherhood. My mom was the worlds best mom. I'm not kidding. She was a stay at home mom until I was in the sixth grade, and only then did she get a part time job. Our house was always taken care of, I never wanted for anything, and I always knew where my mom was. She would make my lunch for me in grade school and leave me little notes in my lunch bag. I would often come home from school to fresh baked cookies and a surpise on my bed. (Usually a fresh pad of paper and a pretty pen. Mom knew me so well, even then.) I can't imagine a child going through life not knowing how special they are. The reason I bring this up, is because I was told today, inadvertantly I might add, that a woman I know loves her spouse and her career more than she loves her own children. I don't think she ever wanted to be a mother. I honestly believe she became one out of duty and I see that as selfishness. Of course she loves her kids, but more than that I think they are a burden and an inconvenience. I pray that they don't notice these things. It is even very possible that seeing as I know very little about life in their home, that this is a front she puts on to make herself appear successful. In my opinion, motherhood is success. Raising your children to become independent, loving, well rounded people is success. I don't think a stay at home mom is any less of a value to society as say, a doctor, a musician or even a restaurant owner. In fact, I think its more valuable. Who raised those people to be self sufficient, level headed and ambitious? Momma. So, please, don't discount the value of a stay at home mom, or one who devotes her life to driving her kids to soccer practice. I am who I am today because I had one of those. On another note, don't take this post with an accusatory tone. I admire women who can do it all. I hope to be one of those one day. I want to love my children with all my heart and make them my number one priority, as I feel they should be, but I also want to focus on myself and provide for my family with a prosperous career.

On that note, I head off to class. Just needed to release. :)


Incredimom said...

I'm proud of your unbiased opinion on mothers. Every decision, working or staying home is hard, mom's typically just do what's best for their own situation. As far as loving my husband more, no. I can't explain it, but that love is so different. I'm a mom and wife equally first, then a daughter/family member, then a friend, then a worker, and then a student. Of course, God should come first on that list, I'm working on that. Regardless, I'm getting carried away here, I just wanted to say Thanks for not belittling the working mom or the SAHM.

EKWisdom said...

Oh, I agree that a child can be raised wonderfully in both situations. You are living proof. Your children are beautiful, smart, loving individuals and they are that way because they have a loving mother. Whether you are at work or at home, your kids are still your focus. You stay at home, for them. You work, for them. That is my point. This woman, honestly seems to think her children are nothing more than a burden and she can't wait to be rid of them. It breaks my heart. But like I said in the post, I could be seeing things completely wrong because I am not there on a daily basis. I just see what I see and hope that no one ever questions my love for my family.