Where do I begin? I have no idea how to even start this post, but its definately stuff I feel driven to unload.
I was lying in bed the other night, thinking of my place in this world. Pondering why I am where I am and if occurances could have or should have been changed. Am I here because I have been brave or is it because I haven't been brave enough? Do I hold within me the courage to seek the things I want? Do I even know what those things are? I layed there, praying quietly, and crying due to utter frustration. I know things will work themselves out and turn out better than I could possibly imagine, if I just continue to hold on to faith. I awoke the next morning with a renewed sense of comfort and told myself that everything was going to be okay. I need to stop, take a deep breath, and hand my worries over to Him. So, I did. THEN, I received an email last night that brought me to tears (again). It brought back so many memories, both good and bad. I was reminded of my first love and all the situations that led us to our final locations...apart. I thought he loved me. As far as first loves go, I thought ours was something pretty special. When we were good, we were really good. We were happy and always had a great time. But when we were bad, we were terrible. He would lie, lose focus, drink, do drugs...cheat. I can still remember vividly the last time we dated. I had moved back to Oklahoma and he went to the Navy. His mom called to tell me he was marrying someone else. We were still together, so I thought. I was crushed. I am not placing sole blame on him, I know I'm not perfect, but I learned that I deserved better and moved on. I convinced myself it was nothing more than puppy love and that real love would find me in the future. Now I worry that I may have discounted our feelings. I know he loved me the best way he knew how. His best, honestly, just wasn't good enough. Now these memories have come flooding back and I start to second guess decisions I've made, things I've said. I worry that I may have made a mistake. (This is when lightening strikes me and God says, "STUPID GIRL! I made you see he was an idiot for a reason!!") I'm dealing and things will be fine.
My second area of concern is motherhood. My mom was the worlds best mom. I'm not kidding. She was a stay at home mom until I was in the sixth grade, and only then did she get a part time job. Our house was always taken care of, I never wanted for anything, and I always knew where my mom was. She would make my lunch for me in grade school and leave me little notes in my lunch bag. I would often come home from school to fresh baked cookies and a surpise on my bed. (Usually a fresh pad of paper and a pretty pen. Mom knew me so well, even then.) I can't imagine a child going through life not knowing how special they are. The reason I bring this up, is because I was told today, inadvertantly I might add, that a woman I know loves her spouse and her career more than she loves her own children. I don't think she ever wanted to be a mother. I honestly believe she became one out of duty and I see that as selfishness. Of course she loves her kids, but more than that I think they are a burden and an inconvenience. I pray that they don't notice these things. It is even very possible that seeing as I know very little about life in their home, that this is a front she puts on to make herself appear successful. In my opinion, motherhood is success. Raising your children to become independent, loving, well rounded people is success. I don't think a stay at home mom is any less of a value to society as say, a doctor, a musician or even a restaurant owner. In fact, I think its more valuable. Who raised those people to be self sufficient, level headed and ambitious? Momma. So, please, don't discount the value of a stay at home mom, or one who devotes her life to driving her kids to soccer practice. I am who I am today because I had one of those. On another note, don't take this post with an accusatory tone. I admire women who can do it all. I hope to be one of those one day. I want to love my children with all my heart and make them my number one priority, as I feel they should be, but I also want to focus on myself and provide for my family with a prosperous career.
On that note, I head off to class. Just needed to release. :)