This past week has been an emotional overload. I haven't been able to tell whether I am coming or going. The problem is completely mine and I just have to own up to that fact. I have been allowing things that are minute in existance, to grow and fester into things I feel like I might not be able to handle. I used to vent to my friends, but as of late, I feel that my venting is going to overshadow the cheery person I want to be and make me an unbearable nuisance to the people I love. Everytime I have opened my mouth in the past few days, it seems to be a complaint about an event or a person. And that is unacceptable.
Here's my diagnosis: I am a neurotic, PMSing female who can't see past her own nose.
I tend to have difficulty accepting that people are not like me. They will not always think like me or handle things like me. It's not that I WANT everyone to be like me. I value and appreciate diversity to its fullest. It's just that I expect people to act in a certain manner when that is a completely unfair wish. If a friend were to call me and ask me to go shopping with them because they needed to get out of the house, for example, I would quit what I was doing to go. No matter what it was, I would stop to help my friend even if it just means that I too, get out of the house. I tend to put others before myself in almost every situation and when they don't do the same in return, I get my feelings hurt. In all honesty, I should be applauding them for the strength they have to focus on themselves once in awhile. I always feel that I HAVE to do what everyone needs or wants me to do because if I don't, the will love me a little less. They will need me a little less. On top of the fact that its insane to expect the exact treatment in return from people, it's more insane when you stop and realize that it appears now that I do things for people in order to have favors done for me. And that's not the case at all! I do things for people because I love them and when I feel that that love is not reciprocated when I need them, I get all bent of shape. If I don't get asked to hang out and do something, I automatically assume I have done something wrong and I get defensive. I can't just accept that people are busy. If someone gets a tone with me or doesn't smile when I smile at them, I get unnecessarily anxious wondering what it was that I have messed up. I can guess at how I would handle a situation (having never really been in that particular situation) and if it isn't handled how I would do it, it's wrong. For example, say a friend gets a new boyfriend and suddenly doesn't have time for their friends anymore, I would irrationally speculate that if "I" were the one with a boyfriend, I would still make time for my friends. (First off, read back a few lines and you'll notice that I AUTOMATICALLY think that the fact they're busy has something to do with something I've done wrong.) When I think back to how I sulk over my "mistakes" I feel utterly silly. Their having a boyfriend has nothing to do with me. Their having a life has nothing to do with me. The way they handle things is fine, it may not be my way, but its fine. I take everything so blasted personally that I am appauled.
HOWEVER, in organizing some paper work last night, I ran across an old email from a friend who reacted the Exact.Same.Way towards me. He was upset that I didn't spend as much time hanging out with him as he wanted and then he gave me the silent treatment. I did the same thing to a friend this week. She upset me, I felt betrayed, and therefore I thought my not speaking to her would make her realize the error of her ways and she would apologize. To be quite honest, she really didn't have anything to apologize for. So, I sat in the floor with my friends letter and cried. Remembering that life is way to damn short to fret over these unbelievably small things. I had been to church that morning and felt that the pastor was speaking just to me. Envy is only going to ruin me and my relationships with others. And that's the truth of the matter, I was envious and jealous and acted irrationally.
Today, I am moody and emotional, but all by natural causes. haha! I have felt like crap all day, but I have made an extra effort to be a delight instead of a disappointment. I apologized to those I felt deserved it and made a boundful effort to bite my tongue whenever a negative thought arose. I came home and began cleaning my house, preparing for more maintenance men to repair my apartment. I found a box that I had left to the last of the unpacking because I thought I knew what all was in it. I was wrong. Inside, this box held a bountiful array of memories and good thoughts. Pictures of beloved friends and family and a secret treasure. A few months ago, my dear, dear friend whom I have come to love as a sister (there is no other word for it) made me a stack of index cards. Each card held a quote or thought of inspiration and love. There was also a stack of her favorite comfort food recipes including family recipes that she shared with me whole heartedly. God has blessed me so richly. I have never been more wealthy than I am right now. Thank you to each and every person who has put up with me, loved me, valued me and pushed me forward. I love you more than you could ever know. You have been my strength...even when I'm feeling, sappy, weepy and downright girly. :)
"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining, in love even when I am alone and in God even when he is silent."- unknown