Friday, May 26, 2006


Well, today has turned out to be crappy with a capital CRAP!

It started out well. I got ready and was out the door on time for work. The drive there was a beautiful one as it was approximate 20 degrees cooler than it had been all week and some immensely amazing storm clouds were due north. The sky had this ominous dark tone that is so unexpected that early in the morning. I loved it. The field directly east of my apartment was thick with a layer of bright white fog that was in stark contrast of the sky. An amazing morning.

Work was fine until I questioned the ethical standards of others. It's hard for me to talk to people on the phone who ask me, "How inhumane do you think it would be if I left my cat with a broken leg?" Not kidding. I was asked that today. A woman watched her cat get hit by a car on Saturday, HEARD his lungs filling with fluid, and then was like, "Oh, he'll be dead by morning."'t.die. He suffered. He lived until morning when the woman finally took him to a vet clinic. There, she was told the animal would require surgery due to the location and extensive nature of his injuries. She didn't want to pay for it, so she called me. She wasn't asking for financial assistance. She wasn't asking for advice. No. She was asking me to set her free from the burden of guilt she felt for wanting to take her cat to a barn and let it die from its injuries. I couldn't tell her that was okay. I just couldn't. So, I told her that before we could give her any medical advice, it was in the pets best interest to be seen by a veterinarian. Now, I fear she will never bring the cat in, and he will sit and suffer until he dies. I will never understand people.

I began to feel sick and couldn't wait to go home. The time came for my shift to end and I was making the drive back home when an idiot pulled out across traffic almost hitting me. I think I almost vomited. I immediately called Katie at work and asked her if she had seen it from the office window. She hadn't, but I was freaking out. I got home and ate some lunch. I couldn't shake the queasy feeling so I decided to lay down for a bit. The phone rang and it was my mom. I have been having some issues with student loans and getting them defered until I can actually get a real job, post college, and pay for them. I had them originally set up so that I could pay on them monthly as I have zero outside financial help and knew the mass amounts of loans would drown me upon graduation. I thought paying monthly would atleast help with the interest some. Well, moving has proved to be quite a burdening expense and in order to continue attending school, I have to drop hours at work. Financial crisis continues. So, Mom was calling to find out if I could defer my payments until after graduation, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, all of my loans are now in my moms name. All the money comes to me, the bills come to me. But they're in her name. So, I can't defer anything, I can't get a forbearance, I can't consolodate...nothing. I'm SOL. I pay more a month on student loan payments than I do on my car payment. UGH! I have also recently switched Health Insurance carriers due to cost. I was paying more in health insurance than I really think my life is worth. Let me get'll be cheaper than paying for coverage! I know I am wallowing. I need to wallow. I have no idea what in the world I am going to do. I know things will work out, but why in the WORLD does it have to be so dadgum hard to just stay afloat. I am doing my absolute best to be solely independent but I find it harder and harder to do so, and easier and easier to be bitter.

I think I need a vacation. Not from Stillwater, from Life. You know, I completely bypassed the go out, have fun, be a kid phase and went straight from grade school to adulthood. I rarely got in trouble. I didn't smoke, I didn't drink, I didn't sneak out. I had a job by the time I was 15 and have worked ever since. I busted my ass studying in high school so that I could get into college and now, I just want out. I want to go back!! I want the chance to be irresponsible and selfish. I want the chance to milk my parents for money and not have a job. I want the chance to be young and carefree and not have the burdens of my life anymore. I am so tired of always worrying. I can't remember the last time I was just able to relax and have NOTHING in my future that caused me worry or grief. Every step I take that feels like a move forward ends up feeling like I've made a monumental mistake. YAY! I'm in school. Now how to do I pay for this? YAY! I have have a job. Now how do I work around school? YAY! I have my own apartment. Now how do I make ends meet?

I'm just tired. Bear with me...tomorrow will be a new day.
Now, I'm off to babysit for.three.children. *sigh*

1 comment:

Nicotine Jones said...

Hang in there, I'm going through a rough spot too. But it will get better. You can't control the idiots and make them good people. But you can continue to be the good person that you are. Take care,