"What is your current dating situation...?"

Today has been a good day. I woke up at a decent time after a good nights sleep, ate breakfast, watched a rerun of Home Improvement, did the dishes, straightened the living room...you know, the basics. I did some piddly things around the house before I took a shower and got ready for the day. I went to lunch with a dear, sweet lady who was/is a client at the place I used to work. We sat at the restaraunt for 3 hours just talking and it was really nice. I hadn't sat and had an uninteruppted conversation with another person in a loooong time. She told me if she ever had a daughter, she hoped she would have been like me. That was SO nice.

I then ran to the grocery store to buy some goodies for our work get together tomorrow night. I already purchased everything I needed last week, but I was so exhausted by the time I got off work and went to Wal-Mart, that I forgot about the groceries in my car and went in the house to bed. It was 75 degrees that day. Meat and cheese trays don't last in a locked car in 75 degree weather for eight hours. Oops. So I purchased more, putting myself into the "overdrawn" side of life. Damnit. On top of the fact that I was cringing the whole time I was writing the check, I was breaking out into hives for the mere act of being in Wal-Mart. To those of you that don't know/understand my hatred for Wal-Mart and all things that resemble a Wal-Mart cart...be thankful...be oh, so thankful. I left however, without having harmed one.single.solitary person. And actually, I left the store smiling. I'm not kidding! Me! Smiling at Wal-Mart. There was this sweet, round, black woman sitting outside the store with her Salvation Army bucket and bell...singing the most beautiful hymns. She put such a smile on my face. Had I not just written my way into debt...again...I would have given her all I had, and then some. She is the Christmas spirit people have been missing. (including myself)

After my grocery run, I went to the home of the kids I babysit for. I took them all a little gift and it was truly amazing how perfect each one was for each child. Their faces lit up brighter than their Christmas tree! Donnie (who is only 3 I might add) turned to me and said, "Do you have more for us, Liz?" I thought his mom was going to KILL HIM! haha! Or crawl behind the sofa and never come out. She was so embarassed! :) I found it hysterical, but know if it were my own kid I would have reacted the same way. I went back a few hours later to watch Donnie while his parents and sisters went to a gymnastics meet for Lauren, the oldest. He loves to play hide-n-seek until you've been hidden for approximately two seconds and he hasn't found you yet.
"Liz?...Liiiiiz?...LIIIIIZZZZZ????!!!! Where are you?!?! I need to tell you sumfin!!"

"I'm right here, D, it's okay."

"Oh, Liiiiiz...don't hide in that spot!"

haha! He's so cute. A little later he was playing with my cell phone; taking pictures of himself and singing into the memo recorder. I have a permanent recording of his three year old voice singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and "I love you Liz. A wholewholewhole lot and I want to play with you andreadwithyouandtakepicturesonyourphoneandloveyouforeverandever." His sentence got faster and faster, higher and higher pitched and more run together as he saw his time was running out. haha! Oh it just makes me smile! I love those kids!

But now we get to the reason I titled this here blog, "What is your current dating situation...?" I was standing in my kitchen, working on some holiday stuff when my phone rang. I picked it up and this sweet little voice says,
"Liz? Hi! It's Kayla!" (First off, for the record, I don't know a single person named Kayla.) "I'm calling from *insert name of cheesey dating service here* and you signed up for a free trip at the fair, remember?!"

"Yeah, sorry Kayla, but no...I don't remember." (Again, for the record, I don't even remember going to the FAIR, let alone signing up for anything.)

"Well that's okay, cause let me tell you about our service! We'll give you two free messages from great, safe singles when you subscribe to our service! Isn't that great?!"

"Um, sure." (And yes, she said "safe" singles. Like there's a dating service for just the scary ones!)

"So let me ask you this, Liz, what is your current dating situation like?" (This is where I begin laughing hysterically and the poor girl completely forgets her dialogue. Apparently she doesn't get laughed at all that often. I try to stop laughing, but it's just not working...)

"I'm sorry *giggle*, but to answer your question, *giggle* it's non-existant. I'm not sure *giggle* it can be revived."

"Oh, okay, thanks anyway."

**Click** I've lost Kayla. She didn't even make a feeble attempt at sacrificing her sales pitch. She heard the hopelessness in my voice. haha! Funny? Sure! Pathetic? You betcha!!

On that note, I'm going to go scrub my bathroom. Gotta love the single life!

Feeling a little...OMG!

Feeling a little...OMG!
I'm feeling a little...OMG! at the moment. For those of you who aren't computer lingo literate, that means I'm freakin' the F**K out!

Okay, so not quite that bad, but yes, I'm a little panicky deep down inside. Last night on the way to work I started feeling quite short of breath. I chalked it up to the mocha drink I was consuming as it also felt like my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I drank a few sips and ended up giving the rest to a coworker. I figured a coronary on the 2nd week of work might not go over well. After about an hour and a half of what I would call "prenatal" breathing, I finally went home to grab my inhaler. When I couldn't find it, I decided I better stop at the ER on my way back to work and make sure everything was okay and to get a breathing treatment. I had 10 more hours on my shift and didn't want to be this out of breath the whole time. After being given the once over, the nurse on duty told me he thought I was having a subconscious anxiety attack. (Actually, he said a subconscious psychological manifestation of anxiety to be exact. haha!) I was 100% fit as a fiddle and was showing not a single symptom. They couldn't even venture to guess what tests to run since I appeared fine. They sent me on my way with instructions to "chill". I got to work and, of course, had nothing but that on my mind. Things went well for most of my shift until I had about two hours left. A small mistake and oversight on my part snowballed with more mistakes and my freaking out. I completely panicked and blanked on what I was to do next. It wasn't a huge deal as it was just running information for an officer, but the point is, it could have been huge. I felt like I had totally screwed up. I want nothing more than to do well at this job. I beat myself up over it for about 30 minutes and then attempted to take the advice of my trainer, "Shake it off and stomp on it." I'll share that story with you later; it's a goodin'. I still felt rather down as I left work this morning. I love everything about the job so far, it's just that I'm beginning to second guess myself a lot. I'm starting to wonder if I'm really doing well or if I have made a huge and terrible mistake. I know this is probably me just being emotional and menstral. (Hi, to all those who didn't want to know about my menstral cycle! haha!) I have only been in phase training for two weeks and still have two weeks to go in first phase. I have received two compliments from one of the Lieutenants which absolutely made my week. It's the little gestures of, "Good Job" that make you keep going. I completely anticipate an extension on training and that is just fine. I am told that if I take it as a compliment that they want me to succeed, which it is, as opposed to an insult like some in the past have, then I'll go much further. I'm also told that very few people every go all the way through phase without an extension. I know that things will be great and I am gathering more confidence as time rolls on. They're never going to throw me to the wolves if they don't think I'm ready, because those officers are their responsibility too. This weekend is all about studying!! And praying. :) Everyone send up your prayers for me...ask Him for guidance, strength and a raging sense of humor...please.

Love to all...Liz

Is there a locksmith in the house?!

I have regrettedly not blogged about my lockout woes, but surely tonight...it's overdue. About a month ago I was having trouble getting into my front door. Ahem....my only door. So I called my GLORIOUS landlords (I apologize for the dripping sarcasm. Oh wait...no I don't.) They sent over a 'super' which I must say is a severly overdramatized title. 'SUPERman' told me there was nothing wrong with the lock, that my hinges were loose. (If I had a nickle...) After tightening my hinges and redrilling my lock (KEEP YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTER!!) he went on his merry way. A couple weeks later, my problems resurface.

It was a Saturday and I had been doing laundry at my mom's house. Let's first begin by recapping the scene up to the lockout incident. a)I slept at my mom's house the night before so I hadn't been home to shower. b)I was wearing my pajamas which due to it being laundry day consisted of snowflake flannel pants and a bright green "Cuban Soul Revival" t-shirt from Old Navy. c)In an attempt to leave my mothers house my car got stuck in a snow drift thanks to the blizzard that rolled through. After spending an hour and a half digging Dory out of the snow and mud, my previously GOREGOUS jammies were soiled from the feet to the knees. d)Three words- Lack Of Makeup

I drove home, looking and feeling frigid and utterly untouchable. I arrive home, hoping to scurry in the door before any neighbor could see me. I insert the key, wiggled its magical, imaginary combination of jiggles (not Giggles Cait, Jiggles) and nothing. The key does not budge. I yank on the door knob, slam my full body weight into the door itself, and nothing. Lucky for me there just so happens to be yet another 'SUPERman' across the parking lot. I flash him a brilliant no-makeup-haven't-showered-wearing-my-pjs smile and ask him kindly to open my door. He comes over with a huge ass pair of pliers and miraculously is able to open my door. He comes back about 30 minutes later and installs a new deadbolt. He hands me a shiny new key, which I assume means the problem is fixed. WRONG.

Five days later I am still having problems with my door. BUT, with my new work schedule throwing off my sleep schedule, I keep forgetting to call 'SUPERman' back.

This brings us to the present. I got off work at 11 o'clock this evening and drove home. I wanted nothing more than to get home where it was warm so I could curl up in bed and SLEEP. I inserted the key, once again wiggled its magical, imaginary combination of jiggles and...nothing. This time, the stupid key doesn't even PRETEND to want to turn. I'm getting increasingly pissed as I dial my moms phone number to tell her I'll be sleeping on her couch again. Just then, the hunky guy who lives upstairs happened to walk by. He overheard my pitiful plight as he was taking his shhhh...hideous....dog for a pee. He came back and offered to help. He attempted to unlock the door too. If it had opened, I was totally going to say, "Yeah, well, I loosened it for ya." Of course, Hunky was unable to get it either. Instead of leaving me there, Hunky went to get a pair of pliers and his cell phone. He tried to pry the door open and did nothing more but succeed in breaking my key off in the lock. Yeah, thanks Hunky. I coulda done that withoutcha. He was nice enough to call the emergency 'SUPERman' line and attempt to get someone to help me. He even admitted to them that he was a moron and broke my key. After two attempts to call and leaving messages I decide I'll just go to my moms and worry about this in the morning. Hunky offers to let me come up to his place (with shhh...his hideous dog, and his girlfriend) but I opted for mom's. OF COURSE, knowing my luck, as soon as I got all the way to mom's the manager of my apartment complex calls and tells me that no one can come let me in for another hour, minimum. I tell her not to worry, that I'll stay at my mothers. She calls me back 5 minutes later, "Can you be here in 30 minutes?" Well, hell. I bundle up and jaunt back across town only to sit in my car for 20 minutes...in the dark...in the cold. This SUCKED. Hunky came out to check on my every few minutes though, so that was nice. 'SUPERman' arrived and spent a good 30 minutes attempting to extract the broken key before he pulls out the crow bar and begins to dismantle my door. Okay, not dismantle, demolish. He shoves the crow bar in the door jam and then throws his body weight into my door repeatedly until the door frame literally splinters and bursts open. Now, I have a broken lock AND a broken door. Thaaaanks. He spends another 30 minutes or so screwing the splinters back together to fashion some semblance of a door. He installs a new lock and once again...hands me a new key. He promises to come by tomorrow to finish making the door "solid" but I have a feeling it'll end up looking about like my ceiling. In May, that was going to made "solid" too... Riiight.

But here I am, warm and cozy in my house...
with a large piece of furniture shoved in front of my door. Just in case.

What happens when the kids are let alone...

I stayed the night at my mom's last night after we did some shopping and I didn't feel like driving home. I came home this morning around 9 and immediately regretted my decision to not come home and check on the cats. I should have known...

Photos!

This is from our first snow storm of the winter season. It was literally a BLIZZARD. This photo is looking out my office window towards the road. This is a drift that reached the top of the air conditioner. Given, since there is no TOP, this is one of the broken air conditioners. I live in a great complex.

This is Fuji's, "Oh, shit. I am in SO much trouble." face. I caught him two thirds up the tree before I got this picture.

Hopefully you are able to see the TWO, I repeat, TWO felines in my Christmas tree. Fuji is on top and Kodak is diligently striving for the top...

Last but not least, this one was snapped just a few minutes ago. He had to recoup from his tiresome trec up what surely in his mind was Mt. Everest.

Goooooin' to the chapel...

So I went to a wedding last weekend.
I caught the bouquet.
Run and hide boys, run and hide...

BabyLove Part2

I received a comment on last nights blog from someone I have come to call a friend. A bloggo-buddy if you will. She told me, "Do not ever feel badly about being sentimental. We live in a world where people are becoming colder, distracted and self-involved more and more. We need more sentimentality. It's good to have feelings." And on that note, I share with you a little, bite sized package of hope. I held a 2 week old baby boy in my arms tonight. He cooed, he gurgled, he yawned. Precious is not even a word that could begin to describe baby Ephraim. The most precious part however, was that this seven pound bundle of pure heaven was passed from arm to arm in a room full of men. I watched as each heart melted, as each man smiled and as each baby coo was returned with an adult coo. My heart grew two sizes...

Holiday Humbug

Do you ever wish there is something you could change about yourself?
I do.
And it's not what one would expect. Sure, I wish I were prettier, smarter, funnier, had super human strength and agility with laserbeamsandmadcrazypowersandwickedcoolcatlikereflexes!!! Sorry...got distracted...the thing I wish for today, is to be LESS SENTIMENTAL.
Everything about the holidays makes me weepy. I hate that my family is scattered to the four winds and that I don't have one single, solitary family tradition intact. I went to my Grandma's this weekend and it made me sad that there wasn't a single member of her family with her on Thanksgiving. She had dinner with her neighbors. Given, her neighbors are precious and just as good (if not better) than family, but that still didn't keep me from feeling sad. My Grandma is one of those amazing people that you know has more strength than you'll ever see. She has lived alone for almost ten years now and takes care of everything as if she'd done it all along. She volunteers at the hospital as an auxiallary member and takes care of everyone as if they were a part of her family. She quilts, bakes and is just all around one of those wonderful people. You can't help but love her. Not to mention, she's down right hilarious. This morning, she told me that just last week she went to the post office and went to put her keys in her pocket, only to realize she had put her pants on backwards. "Well, Liz...honey...I don't have a butt! The pants fit both ways." OMG...Grandma's are great. I sat with her on the sofa, looking through pictures of all of her great-grand babies and it made me so unbelievably sad to think that she may never see me walk down the aisle and she may never know my children. Not that I think she's going anywhere anytime soon, but the prospects are not looking too brilliant for me at the moment. :) And, I plan on going against the recent family grain and doing the marriage/baby thing in the correct order. So that led me onto another holiday custom of mine of being sad that I'll be alone on the holidays. I have my mom of course, but that doesn't help with whole marriage/baby venture. But I will tell you that my mom has met her landlords handyman and is trying to break things in her house just so she can have me come over and meet him. He's too young for me, but she doesn't care. "Liz! He's sweet, and polite, and smart, and polite, and handsome, and did I mention polite?"

It's pathetic how sad I get about these things. It's just the holiday humbugs getting me and this too shall pass.

G'nite all.

Overload!

I am on an emotional overload this evening. I mean...for real. I feel this uber-necessary need to watch an intensely masculine movie just so I won't feel quite so damn GIRLIE! I spent this weekend with my best friend and her family, which is always a hoot. However, this particular weekend we went to a baby shower where two of the women were pregnant and there were approximately 50-bajillion small children. I LOVE kids but even I was a little overwhelmed. They were adorable though and there were more than a few times that my ovaries hurt. :) I want me some squishy babies! (That sounded kinda gross, eh? Mmmm...baby...the other white meat.) THEN! Post babyrama my friend and her hubby invited some friends over. There were three two year olds and a 8 month old. OMG! I was the only non-coupled individual in the house and was surrounded by four reasons I HATE being single. I was suddenly very aware of my singleness. BUT THAT'S OKAY! No need to feel sorry for myself, because I also know that my best friends husband FARTS ON HER MUFFINS and there are plenty of little marriage jewels I can live without. :) Love you BRENT! I also just sat here and watched an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and bawled like a flippin' baby. Not just a little teary mind you, I'm talkin' rollin'-down-the-cheeks-gotta-get-a-tissue tears. After that, I decided to check my email and realized I hadn't blogged in quite some time. Mid-blog, my uncle calls to let me know that my great aunt is dying and more than likely won't make it through the night. He also asked me if I was coming home for Thanksgiving. I wasn't sad originally because I got a great new job and was so unbelievably thankful. But now, it's a little harder when I stop and think of the things I'm missing. I miss going to my grandparents house for thanksgiving dinner in Watonga where we would watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade and hunting specials on television. Ever since my granddad passed away, it hasn't been the same. It seems that everyone makes less effort to go home. I miss holiday's at my Illinois families house too. Holidays there were always such a big deal. House FULL of family, lots of great food, lots of laughs and usually a game of poker after dinner where Grandpa would give me all his pocket change. :) That's where I was last year at this time. Holidays are just different. This year, I will be in training for my job until 7am Thanksgiving morning and then I'll go home to my little apartment and sleep so I can be back to work at 11pm. I am NOT complaining. I am extravagantly greatful for this job and for all the opportunities it will bring. Chances are I wouldn't have been able to go home if I had worked at the former job either. It's just been an emotionally wearing weekend and it makes me long even more for family. I'm going to find a movie in my stash with Jean Claude or Rambo in it now. I need testosterone. NO CHICK FLICKS TONIGHT!

Miscellaneous

I haven't written anything in what feels like forever. It's weird, how this actually becomes like an addiction, like I NEED to unleash myself this way. But for the past month or so, I haven't felt like writing. Basically, there were a lot of things I wanted to vent about, but I was censoring myself. Things I wanted to say made me feel like I was pointing the finger of blame at someone else and that made me feel rotten. Everything else I wanted to write about, just felt insignificant in comparison to the emotions I had going on inside. So, here is a list of things that made me smile or cry the past couple of months. Maybe listing them out this way will help me to release without unraveling.

*I babysat for a 3 year old boy last weekend. I watch him quite abit. He sat on the couch beside me, coloring his BEST pooh bear EVER and said, "Liz, you're my favorite person in the whole world. THE WHOLE WORLD!" (heart melting...insert here) Later, we played baseball outside and every time he got up to bat, he'd knock the invisible dirt of his shoes with the bat and say, "Let's see what you got!"

*I listened to a life being saved.

*I had my heart broken by someone I mistakenly thought was a friend. She took everything I ever said to her, twisted it, and turned it against me. She is probably the most caniving and two faced person I have ever met. I give her that rank because she was so good at it. She portrays herself as this loving, spiritual, caring individual, when really, she is hateful and I think she knows it.

*I was told I was beautiful by someone I HATED in high school. He did everything in his power to make me feel sub-human and now says he treated me badly because he had feelings for me.

*I sent an old friend a Happy Birthday message on their myspace...and they deleted it.

*I felt extreme jealousy for people I saw at lunch today. They were married. They were giggling and holding hands while laughing and playing with their baby daughter. I want that.

*I felt guilt this month. I have two friends who live miles away who needed me for various reasons, but I don't ever call anyone.

*I discovered that I hate Halloween. It appears it is merely a day devoted to bimbos and closet-bimbos who feel the need to embrace their inner tramp. Why does every costume have to be "naughty"? Naughty witch, naughty schoolgirl, naughty nurse, naughty-assemblylineinspector lady... Yeah, you get the picture.

*I took pictures at a 1 year olds b-day party last weekend. I have never seen so much red icing on one human body. Well...except for that one time... JUST KIDDING.

*I get to take couples photos this weekend as well as a wedding shower for a coworkers fiancee. Taking pictures makes me SO happy!

*Every day this week I have driven around in a police car and saw the good, the bad, and the ugly of the town I live in. It's amazing what you see when you really look...especially when you realize all the stuff you missed simply because you were too busy.

*I have heard the Hinder song "Lips of an angel" at least six times today. It is SO overplayed!! OMG.

*I embarassed myself at work yesterday. I laughed at myself because of it and may have scored brownie points. Apparently, they think I'm "pretty cool". Aside from the fact that I'm told I need "culture" because I can't name a single Merl Haggard song. BP will back me up when I say, "Sorry, but I'm in the SCHOOL OF ROCK!"

*I felt fear for the first time that this job is going to kick my ass. And surprisingly enough, it had nothing to do with any of the things I had prepared myself for. STUDY TIME!

*I called my best friend Kristen the other day and could hear her daughter in the background. I asked if I could say hi to her. This little, innocent, 2 year old voice gets on the phone. "Hiiii, my Dizzi!" My heart melted. :)

*The above mentioned best friend's hubby went hunting the other day and I was told they were preparing deer meat. "OH! He caught one?!" "Liz", she replied, "you don't catch them, you shoot them." DOH!

*I was asked by my boss yesterday how my day was going. I resonded with, "Delightful, thank you." "Delightful?" he asks with a grin. "I don't think I've EVER had an employee tell me they were 'delightful'." (I work with cops...if one of them said "delightful", i'd be worried.) Another employee walked up and asked him how he was doing. My boss responded, "Delightful, thank you." :) Spread joy where you can.

*I was greeted at the door of work this morning by an officer I saw as "surly". I politely asked him how he was and his answer? "Blessed. And you?"...."Delightful, thank you."

*My best friend Drew called me on Halloween to let me know he had ordered the pizza and had the movie all keyed up ready for me. We had a tradition from the time we were in the 8th grade that we would order pizza and watch Rocky Horror Picture Show (including ALL sing-alongs and dances, mind you). One year, we even ventured so far as to take his little sister trick-or-treating. I have never seen a child so scared in all my life. Candy bag...STRAIGHT in the air at the sight of a man in a vampire costume a block away. haha! We haven't been able to have our Halloween get together in about six years, but that never stops him from remembering. I love, love, love you DREW!

*Hurt feelings were brought back with an apology from an old friend, but it helped to smooth things over. Time heals all wounds.

I think that is enough for now. I have unloaded QUITE enough for one evening. I'm off to study work schtuff. G'nite all...and God Bless.

One Week Down

So today was the first day of my second week at the new job. For those of you that didn't know...I got the job I was hoping for! I'm the newest emergency dispatcher in the Communications Unit of the PD. I'm official. I have a badge and everything! haha! Last week was INSANE, therefore I haven't called anyone or blogged anything. Oops. I have received a few "BLOG BLOG BLOG" messages so I thought I should appease the fans. :)

Week one was a lot of sitting around really. I sat through a few hours of NIMS training (National Incident Management Systems or something like that) and did a whole heck of a lot of orientation. This week is going to be full to the MAX. I will be learning APCO emergency procedures and other good stuff as well as going on an all day ride along with the FIRE BOYS!! Keep your minds out of the gutter...Ride ALONG, not Ride ON. :) The following day I get to go on a ride along with a police officer for most of the day and then follow that up with some HR meetings. Woohoo! Friday I am in a full day of CPR/First Aid classes and certification. I am told that I am not required to take self defense although I am thinking about it cause DAMN did it look fun!! I also asked when I get to learn to fire a weapon (totally joking!) and I'm told if I really want to they'll send me to the Sargeant in charge of Firearms Training and he'll get me into the firing range. How many of you are scared now?! I will be in intense training on all of the systems until the end of November and from there I'll be tested and evaluated before they unleash me on the unsuspecting public. Ha! I have to memorize a bagillion ten-codes as well as various jurisdictional areas and policies. I have a whole set of "codes" and "signals" as well as the phonetical alphabet to learn by the end of the week cause I'm being tested on that too! Sometime in this training I also have to learn the proper way to frisk a woman. That's riiiight. A woman. In case I am the only female on duty during the overnight shifts, I have to frisk any female prisoners that are brought in. The boys can't/won't do it. HAHA! Liz...The Detention Officer. Grr... If they weapons thing didn't scare you, that should.

Now, I shall be going to bed. I'm exhausted! But, I am less stressed now with the realization that I'm now in a life/death career, than I was when I worked for the vet. I can pay my bills now!!! I couldn't be happier with my decision. Obviously, only time will tell and there is a chance I will scream "HOLY CRAP" next week, but for now, life is good!!

Forgiveness

Tonight I sat in my dark room, next to the open window and listened to the rain. Ping, ping, ping. Each drop hit the air conditioner unit with a resounding noise and as each one struck its mark, I found myself wishing I were as sure of my destination as the raindrops. I have been holding on to the same thoughts for five days now and haven't been able to let them go. As I sat by that window, I knew I had to set them free. How do I do that, you ask? The same way I express all my emotions, through words.



Each one of us holds a wealth of flaws. Most of them are fairly miniscule and we can hide them pretty well. Last Thursday, I had a magnifying glass thrust into my hands. The worst things I think of myself were shown to me and it was made very clear I wasn't doing a good job of hiding them. I am a good person who makes mistakes. I was made to feel small because of these mistakes. I was made to feel like I was less of a person or like I didn't deserve a second chance. As angered as I was at the person for saying such hateful things, I am also strangely grateful to them. They have brought it to my attention that I focus on the negative more often then not. However, all they truly succeeded in accomplishing was the exact thing they accused me of…making someone feel small. I guess I should explain myself a little better. I was told that I say things about people that would be taken as hurtful. I am ashamed of that, because I know it's true. Sometimes I think things are funny that maybe aren't. For instance, I love stories and tall tales and the more colorful the character, the better the story. Perhaps I am guilty of trying to make people laugh at the expense of their feelings. Perhaps I am what she said, a horrible person and friend. HOWEVER, I choose to believe that there were other things, aside from me, that were fueling her anger. Life creates in us a bottle of refuge. That bottle sometimes gets too full and we just…explode. The nearest target is usually the one to take the brunt of the damage. I know I'm not perfect, but I refuse to believe I am horrible. My flaws do not make me a monster. I forgive this person for the things she said, because I know in my heart she sees the same flaws in herself. The only thing that brings solace to the deep sorrow I feel over losing this friend, is that those who know me…really know me. The friends I have made over the years vary from the ones who merely bless us in their passing to those who are a constant in my life. I am blessed with a group of people who accept the fact that I am human and embrace me for me, flaws and all. I am told daily that I am loved and each day, without fail, I know that I have a true friend to turn to. Despite the errors I make in life, I also know that I am forgiven and that He too, knows I am merely human. To those I have wronged, I offer my deep regrets and apologies. To those who are simply spreading the lies, I pray that you have friends like I do that forgive you for imperfections.

Extreme Home Security

Tonight I sat on my sofa, in my very own apartment, wrapped in a quilt made by my grandmother, sipping a cup of hot cocoa, watching television, with a kitty curled in my lap. (How's that for a great sentence?) I am blessed beyond words. To be honest, blessed doesn't even touch the feeling I have this evening. In addition to a recent conversation with one of my uncles, and a great blog post by a friend of mine, a program on tv gave me the biggest case of the warm fuzzies. I watched a program that I have grown to love because I find it to be the purest form of selflessness and love found on television. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is quite possible one of my favorite shows ever. It ranks right up there with re-runs of Full House and Grey's Anatomy. The reason I bring this up, is because as I was sitting here I couldn't help crying. I watched as a family of 14 lived in a home not much larger in square footage than the very apartment I inhabit. 900 square feet to be exact. I watched as these children (very poised and loving children) showed genuine gratitude and happiness for the gift of a dining room table. "Hey! Everyone sit down! Just because we can." It gives me hope to know that there are people out there who have the same high standards as I do for what humanity is, was, and can be again. The phone call I spoke of was my uncle calling to tell me he loved me. Out of the blue, just because, he called to tell me how proud he was of me. And the blog by the friend? She very eliquently told a story of deep appreciation for a dear friend and I couldn't have worded it better if I'd tried. I understand that appreciation and pure, unadulterated gratitude more than I could ever explain. (Speaking of that, YEAH, Drew! I'll see in like 5 days, buddy!!)

Someday, I truly hope that I have a significant impact on another person that even remotely rivals my uncle, my friends, and the "television show". I want to provide people with the same levels of hope and security that I have been granted. Only then, will I consider myself a truly successful person.

So Blessed

I have never doubted the fact that I am blessed. Not once. Through dispair, anger, hurt, betrayal, boredom...I have always been able to see my blessings. There's a chance I did not understand their true value at the time, but I definatley saw them. As I sit here tonight, listening to a song that brings back a flood of memories, I wish to express my ever-growing gratitude to those of you who are forever by my side. To my loyal readers, even when I haven't been writing, you still check in daily to see if I have. I find that absolutely amazing. I'm rambling, I know. I guess it all stems from a letter a client wrote me today. She handed me a sealed envelope and asked me to read it when I got home. It almost brought me to tears. Here is this person, I see maybe once a month who says that I have touched her life in a profound way, just by being nice. Nice, you guys. She was so greatful just to have someone be nice to her. She is sick. Possibly gravely. She has such strength and an eternal optomism I envy. I sent her a card and told her she was in my prayers and that if she needed anything, even if it was just a trip to the grocery store, she could call me. That single, what I saw as simple, gesture meant more to her than she was able to put into words. The act of giving her my phone number, brought her to tears and moved her to write me this letter. Don't let the little random acts of kindness be forgotten. Say thank you. Let people know you appreciate them. And for goodness sake, let's pay it forward.

At the end of her letter she said, "How do I inspire you and how do find me amazing? I would really like to know. I was asked one time at a concert our band played, 'How would you like to be remembered?' I answered, 'I would like to be remember as making a positive difference in someones life.'"

I ask you to share with me a way that I may have affected your life, because I too, want to be remembered. And I ask that you take a second to tell someone else in your life how they have made a difference. You will surprise them and make their day, just as this woman made mine, and you will feel so refreshed for telling them. Go on...make their day!!

That's life

Long time no see...
I haven't been in much of a blogging mood lately. Primarily because the things I really want to talk about, I can't! In due time... I don't want to a) reveal my dish until I know any details, b) jinx anything!

However, I am feeling rather blue this evening and I am having a very difficult time defining it. A relative of mine got married not too long ago, and it makes me sad that he doesn't really want any part of my life. There's a lot of history behind it all though, and I have to assume its what he feels is best. Either way, I wasn't invited to the wedding (no one in the family was, it's not just me) and it makes me sad because I have tried to keep in touch. I send Christmas cards, emails, messages, etc...with nothing in return. No recognition, whatsoever. We haven't seen each other since we were kids and we have missed all the milestones in each others lives to no fault of our own. But I thought, hey, we're adults. Let's fix this. I figured we could start over and make things a little different, but I guess I was mistaken. It just makes me sad that there's no emotion reciprocated. It could very well be that he's a guy...a guy in MY family. (Obliviousness, if that's even a world, tends to run through the male genes in this family.) Maybe he just doesn't get it?

Oh well...se la vie?

Bubble Wrap!

And you crazy people thought life couldn't get any better!!!
http://www.saab-stuff.com/pop.swf

Photos!

Take THAT!

TickleTest: Inkblot

By having your unconscious mind driven most by Imagination, it appears that you have a real creative streak that allows you to entertain a broad spectrum of ideas. By being open-minded and willing to consider others' suggestions, you leave yourself open to fresh perspectives and innovative thinking. You may not realize it, but chances are your ability to envision new possibilities is stronger than it is for most people. In fact, up to now it's likely that you've underestimated your creative potential.

People with a heightened drive for imagination tend to be energetic types with a real joie de vivre. If this is true for you, you might have a reputation among your friends as being the life of the party. You may also be happy for almost any excuse to celebrate. By bringing this kind of vitality to everything you do, you cannot only enjoy your life but can improve the quality of life for everyone around you. Try to capitalize on your capacity to make even run-of-the-mill situations into fun. By sharing your creative ideas and vision, you can make the road to personal and professional success a memorable journey.

Your concept of reality
Your concept of reality is highly similar to that of others but not an exact match. Your perceptions seem to fall in between those who create their own unique realities and those who possess more mainstream perspectives. Because you straddle that middle ground of being in agreement with others and having your own opinions of the world, you can be both a follower and a leader. You can be a follower in the sense that you probably don't have trouble going along with the group most times since others' ideas will usually seem rational to you. You can be a leader because your creative viewpoints may sometimes allow you to guide others in new directions.

The difficulty for people like you is that at times you may feel pulled between taking the popular viewpoint and accepting your own vision of what is right. Because your concept of reality is rarely off the deep end, you can generally feel confident that there's something valid in your perspectives. Even if others don't always share your views, try not to let the masses talk you out of them. There can sometimes be great value in forging your own path. Finding a healthy balance between others' ideas and your own can be key to both your relationships and success.

Your mental flexibility

This section looks as the flexibility of your opinions, values, and perspective. To determine your result, Tickle's experts examined both the fluidity of your thinking and the rigidity of your opinions.

Based on your responses, you're reasonably flexible in your thinking and opinions. As a result, when dealing with most topics, you can easily consider other people's views. However, if a conversation centers on one of your core values, you're typically more reluctant to entertain other ways of thinking. This is true for most people. After all, it's good to have strong opinions on issues of importance. These views help create a foundation for what you believe in. Naturally, your ideas can change and develop over time. But particularly in your case, it's unlikely that they'll be radically different from day to day.

Occasionally your certainty can result in missed opportunities. If you're too sure of your values, you might forego the chance to observe a different way of being. You might also fail to imagine a way of life that might actually make you happier. If you find that you are excessively defensive on certain topics, it's likely because of one of the following reasons. Either the area is something you've had extensive experience with, and therefore have personal history to base your views on. Or, your defensiveness could be covering up a deep wound or insecurity that you're afraid will be exposed if you open yourself up to a new way of thinking.

Your Level of Fantasy
Some people fantasize nearly nonstop, others rarely do, and the majority of people fall somewhere in between. Imagination and the ability to create alternate realities are the two factors that determine whether or not a person is capable of having a highly colorful fantasy life. However, not everyone who can fantasize does. For example, if two strangers who were both capable of fantasizing were sitting next to one another on a bus, one might still spend the whole ride thinking about paying their bills and formulating their next to-do list, while the other could be envisioning taking a siesta on a tropical island. For Tickle's Inblot Test, having a high level of fantasy involves both having the mental tools necessary to fantasize and putting them to use.

Being prone to fantasy can be thought of as a spectacular gift. Fantasy can give one the ability to create a made-up world much more captivating and pleasurable than the usual day-to-day realities. This can be a wonderful asset as you go though life - a free form of entertainment that you can use any time.

Some people look at those who are fantasy prone in a derogatory way. They feel that the more realistically a person thinks, the saner they are. Indeed, most definitions of "abnormal" refer to what is "unusual" or "not frequent". Clinical experts sometimes look at fantasy as a means of trying to escape reality, rather that face what's there.

Regardless of how one feels about fantasy, its value is heavily dependent on how it's used. If you use fantasy to visualize improvements in your life without ignoring important realities, then fantasy can be a useful talent. It can help you maintain your optimism and even to devise novel solutions to your problems. However, if fantasy is something you retreat into as a way of denying reality, then you might want to reconsider your use of it.

Tickle's experts found that you can be highly prone to fantasizing. This doesn't suggest that you aren't in the real world. Your ability to see things clearly may be completely unencumbered by your tendency toward fantasy. It all depends on how you use your ability. Your answers indicate that you're able to use fantasy in a way that makes your world more vibrant and imaginative than it is for most people. Just be wary of keeping one eye on how things really are, particularly when they're not as you'd like them to be.

Fantasy is a technique frequently employed by people living under harsh conditions in order to ease their stress. In this way, imagination can be a vital tool for prison inmates who live in depressing, restrictive conditions day in and day out. Using the power of fantasy can also be a profound relief for people living in poverty and in war zones. In fact, there are many people who live in adverse situations or deal with other painful circumstances that could benefit from occasional relief through fantasy.

Fantasy only becomes a problem when you ignore something you need to deal with because you have the ability to fantasize it away. For example, imagine you have a problem with an aunt of yours. Perhaps this aunt says something that upsets you almost every time you talk with her. As a result, after a while you stop listening to her in favor of pretending that you're someplace else entirely. The fantasy you create for yourself might be more exciting - and far less annoying, but it doesn't change this detrimental pattern between you and your aunt. A better response might be to put your fantasies aside for a while to address your aunt's poor communication style head-on.

At it's worst, fantasy can keep you from making important lifestyle choices. For instance, if you fantasize that you have boundless energy and are a wonderful athlete, and in the meantime sit on your couch eating potato chips and playing video games, there will eventually come a time where you won't be able to deny what is really happening to your body and you will have to tend to the reality of your deteriorating health. However, there's no reason that you have to let fantasy affect you in these negative ways. So long as you pay attention to the aspects of your life that need addressing, like your health or your career, you should be able to use fantasy and creative visualizations to bolster your happiness and success, not impede them.

How you relate to others
Your relationships are complex things. One important aspect affecting all of them is the role that you play when interacting with others. Do you typically take an active approach when dealing with the people around you, or do you tend to behave more passively? According to your test responses, you appear to have a more passive approach to interacting with others. As a result, you likely prefer to be in an environment where others are the movers and shakers. That way the responsibility doesn't fall on you to make things happen or keep everyone happy. It's not that you can't take action in your own life to get what you want. It's simply that when it comes to interacting, you'd usually rather that other people took the lead.

The positive side to this trait is that it leaves you plenty of time to observe what's happening around you. People like you tend to be "watchers," checking out the scene to better understand people's personalities and deeper motivations. In this way, rather than making the first move, you can make the informed move. Over time, you may even become known for your canny observations and tendency to be a good judge of character. Being observant can also be helpful to your overall development as it can aid you in realizing the kinds of people and relationships that serve you best.

Believe it or not, one complication that can arise for people who have passive styles is interacting with other people who are passive. If neither individual is willing to take the initiative, their relationship may either become paralyzed or even fail to materialize in the first place. If you find yourself in a situation like this one, challenge yourself to make some social leaps. You might be surprised to find that sometimes you can enjoy taking the lead.

The Search

I wanted to share with you a little something my Grandpa wrote on his blog. I loved it. :)

THE SEARCH

I have searched the barren deserts,
the steaming jungles and the cold
regions of my mind.
With only one quest, one thing to find
This search has lasted like eternity
The rewards are as empty as a beggar’s cup
This endless safari straggles through
doubts. indecisions and prejudice wastes
And yet the search goes on and on
The confusion that I find is so profound
that the original idea is almost lost
in the shadows
And at other times so bright as to
be blinding
Always it is an extreme with everything
highly exaggerated
I haven’t charted the heights or depths
for returning is not desired or feasible.



© Prof Don T. Nomuch 2006