Birthdays, Surprises and Cosmic Questions

So this weekend was a great one. I drove, with my mom, to El Reno to celebrate Reagan's first birthday. She is such a cutie!! She made a haul too, let me tell you! The party itself started rather rocky as the weather turned from bad to worse. The beautiful decorations began to blow away faster than we could tear them down. The sky opened up and let loose on us a rain worthy of the Gods. It rained for hours. The party was moved indoors to Kristen's house. With the weather as it was, we were forced to boil hotdogs on the stove and makeshift the cookout into a "cookin". 37 people crammed into this house to celebrate with Reagan. It was chaotic, but great! Reagan had a blast and I think everyone else did as well. My mom, on the other hand, drove me absolutely insane for majority of the weekend, but for those of you who know me, you know this is nothing new. I love my mom, more than anything, but wow. She know's how to push my buttons, and push them HARD!

I will post a few photos from the party, but sadly I do not have many to share. My camera battery died mid party and there was nothing I could do about it. But on a brighter note, I have a new camera on the way. My new baby!! A Nikon D70. OMG! I am extatic. If it turns out to be a bad consumer decision, I will just put her back on ebay, but I really think this is going to be great!! I'm so excited to play with it!!

I was talking to a friend today and it provoked some deep thoughts. Surprised? Yeah, I didn't think so. She was talking about how she was unsure of what she wanted to do with her life. That she wanted to do the work of God and possibly ministry work. She was torn between the field she has been studying and this new prospect. I too, am always wondering if I am where I am, because this is where I am meant to be, or is it because I haven't been brave? She has always been an inspiration in the sense that she not only takes chances, but she has so much faith behind them. I pray. I believe. I ask for forgiveness. But how do I know that I am not leading a selfish, uninspired life? How do I know that I am a good person? I mean, am I really? I think bad thoughts of people when they irritate me. I feel sorry for myself in different aspects, such as love. I have no idea if the life I lead is in anyway leading me towards Heaven. I think it is, and then I question myself. I don't go to church every Sunday. Who am I kidding? I don't go to church any Sunday. I cuss. I have told my fair share of little white lies through the years. I have looked a person in the face and told them I hate them. I have yelled at my own father and told him he was a worthless excuse for a man. I tell the cosmic, internet world that my mother iritates me. I'm not a good person. However, I have been blessed beyond belief with the most wonderful friends and family. I have been given the chance to find mutual forgiveness with my father and my mom called me today just to say hi and that she loves me. She didn't even notice how bad she annoyed me this weekend. I recieved an unexpected gift in the mail today from a dear friend in Illinois. (GORGEOUS earring, necklace and bracelet set from my amazon.com wishlist!! Thank you Beanie I LOVE YOU!!) And, before I left El Reno, Kristen sneakily put her keychain on my keyring. It says, "In Adam hope died in the Garden of Eden. Justified by His grace, we now have hope. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. (1 COR 15:22) That being justified by his grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life. (TITUS 3.7)" This weekend, she taught me about forgiveness. She told me that if she ever wants to get into Heaven and if she wants to see her grandparents again, she has to make the effort and learn to forgive. Even if it is a man who hurt her and her mother deeply. My dad hurt us. Not in the way hers did, not even close. But I still have a hard time forgiving him. She is definately, a bigger and better person than I could ever hope to be. I hope that she continues to rub off on me. I know, now that I have reread my words, that I am not a bad person. I love my life, my family, my friends and most of all, my God. I feel protected, safe and forgiven, but I just wonder sometimes if it's enough. I have to let myself believe that faith will guide me to what is right and that we all fail from time to time. I am no exception nor am I a statistic. I'm not alone in thinking that I could work a little harder at being a person for whom my friends and family can be proud of.