Monday, October 10, 2005

Lessons Learned?

This past week has been what one would call stressful. But what I call, "FREAKING INSANE!" I have been on the verge of a complete mental and emotional breakdown for the past two days and I'm hoping, praying, that after today some of the stress will be alleviated. I went to the doctor last week and have yet to hear any results. Grr...damned doctors. I have two tests today at school and I have studied ALL weekend. Friday night, Saturday all day and majority of Sunday. Saturday was my breaking point. I was home alone almost all day and did nothing but study. Edwin and Caitlin got home after having a rather long weekend themselves (school just sux!!) and went to bed early, so I was alone even when I wasn't. Matt came home from work about the time that I was beginning my breakdown. I was fidgety, couldn't focus on what I was reading, kept having thoughts run through my head that only made me feel like more of a failure. I was doing an okay job of holding it all in, until the bastard went and had to be nice to me!! His simple act of kindness, asking me what was wrong, broke me. I burst into tears and just sat there, a sniveling, sobbing mess. He kept asking me to talk to him and I really didn't know what to say. There are so many things I wanted to say, but there were no words to express it. How do you wrap up such feelings of anxiety, sadness, depression, fear and lonliness into a conversation short enough to not bore your audience to tears? And Matt had plans. He was more than willing to break those plans to sit with me if I needed someone to talk to. Lord knows I wanted to, but once again, no words would have been sufficient. I lied, and told him I was fine so that he would go. I didn't want to be the reason he missed out on his fun evening. From the stories I hear, it was worth it! ;) I laid on the couch for awhile longer, not wanting to wake up Edwin and Caitlin. I finally forced myself to go to bed about midnight.

I got up Sunday morning, reluctantly, to get ready for church. Realizing that we had to all get showers and get out of the house, we decided to go to the later service. So, after I was ready to go, I sat in the living room, mildly freaking out, and attempting to study some more. Matt came in again and insisted that we were going to talk about whatever was bothering me and if I didn't come to him, he was going to hunt me down, sit on me, and fart. Damn, I love that guy. :) We ordered lunch, and I finally allowed myself to take a nap. It was wonderful!! Fuji and Kodak slept by my side for almost 2 hours. What amazing, healing little creatures cats can be. I then got up and began helping Edwin and Caitlin remove the rancid carpeting from our flooded basement. Cait and I mopped the floor with bleach (mostly Cait! what a trooper) and it smells about a hundred times better down there. We watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition which is my FAVORITE show! It always gives me hope for humanity. Kind people, doing kind things, for other kind people. Brilliant. I was slowly but surely feeling better about everything. Matt returned home from his meeting and we all had a beer together, ate some mac n' cheese and then went for ice cream. We're remarkable, aren't we? I am so unbelievable blessed. I can't even begin to tell you all how amazing my roomates are. I don't even think I could begin to tell them that, but I'll give it a shot.

Edwin, you are the smartest, most talented person I know. No matter what I need you for, I know that you are there. I feel safe knowing that you're around and you make me smile, especially when I see you with Cait or your two beautiful neices. You're an amazing person. Caitlin, you have grown to be one of my best friends. We are so alike, yet so different and I think thats what makes us work. We learn from each other and lean on each other. You make me laugh with such heart, to a point I never knew possible. In life, you are my favorite "something sparkly". And Matt, where do I begin? I have known you for some time now, but I honestly can't remember a day not having you as my friend. I love you as a brother, but you're so much more than that. You keep me sane by helping me to laugh and by reminding me daily that we can take life seriously, but we musn't ever take ourselves seriously. I couldn't have picked a better person to experience this new phase in life with. Having you with me at church has been a true blessing. I love you three more than I could explain. I have said it before and I shall say it again, family is not necessarily who we are born amongst. Our heart chooses and my heart has chosen you. Thank you for being my solid ground, for being my strength, for being my friends. I am blessed and honored to know you.

This morning I drove into work EARLY! It was pitch black outside, still is as a matter of fact. The sky was so dark, yet you could see the bright pink light starting at the horizon. If that's not a sign of hope, I don't know what is. I am not quite as worried about my exams today, but I still don't feel as prepared as I'd like to be. I may skip Algebra today in order to cram a little more for Hx. We'll see. Hopefully my lab test results will be in today and my mid terms will go well. It is raining now, which to me is always a sign of good things to come. Pray for me!! :)

No comments: